My mental health is very good. The world annoys me though. But things there is I can't change. Many things about myself that I can change. People will judge me for not doing the right things like knowing what I want to do for my future, not wanting a relationship, getting high.. But I will learn from these things one day. Everything I'm doing, all the memories I will regret or cherish and I will be a better person. I will chose the people I hang around with, some will pull me in. Some will leave me to my own confusion. Sadness, recklessness, love for things, cynical, wanting to change the world.. the list goes on forever.. I'm a person like anyone else and I try to understand everything in this reality but it takes time.. I need to pay attention to other people and what they do.. but most things I think "why?" Are they government controlled? Why do people form groups and fight other groups? Natural instinct.. We're just living and no one is paying attention as someone with mental illness.. don't think.. just work and have kids.. think nothing about the weird thoughts.. but the weird thoughts are the key to fixing and becoming aware.. all those mundane things that people hold onto.. a spark comes into their lives when they see something great, feel it.. hold onto a belief.. all the risks that make people die like car crashes.. we still continue to drive, drive drunk.. because what? What's the worst that could happen when we make any decision? We make so many decisions and block so much of what we should know out that we're lost in a cloud...
I find anthropology hard because it's based on learning concepts about people.. But I'm more about consciousness.. That's why I don't like talking about history that I already know of or world events in the news.. I want to know deeper than what regular people think.. not just arguing about measles shots. Like I don't consider myself to care about opposing opinions based on government propaganda.. especially the kavanaugh thing.... that took up all the news.. I cared 0% about that.. but everyone was so tuned in.. Brains of rats? Couch potatoes drinking beer and talking about how they hate other races and have to come together in a group to feel comfort and liberty?
That seems really creepy to me.. It's like I'm not tuned into the fake reality.. I said that heroin injection sites are good but that's about it..
I want to take philosophy instead and just talk and talk for a never ending curving around and into the meaningful things that people don't realize... vegetating on news media.. free will doesn't exist for most of the population.. they are controlled and brainwashed and it seems like just a play, a set where they have a certain list of things they need to do in life.. but what is life? Plants, animals.. but life as I mean that "I have no life". Well you're alive right? Make the connections of what is it of why you exist.. shut off for years then have a relationship crisis and go "Omg this is so terrible" But what really is terrible? It wouldn't have been terrible if you we're so plugged into societies expectations of what you should do and the products that you are advertised to consume.. the brainwashing of that is known.. but peoples double perceptions and go along with what ever is fun.. fun or saving money? Living simple because I know what depression is.. but it's a depression for a reason... because I knew about the system.. what's the point? We all know the 1% are at the top so I'm an anarchist, except i don't care to do anything just like how someone is overweight but doesn't care to do anything about it. It's not being content.
What I want is complete content in ratio to the small problems that I can overcome for my own self to push forward.
But what I'm really trying to say is that I need to have faith in what I'm thinking and saying. I see myself as too young to know anything. And most adults are older than me so they have experience. But experience with what? Don't I have things to say that can resonate with someone? Do older people really know more than me? Am I an old soul or awakened?
I was talking to a woman in the hot tub with my mom today and my mom wanted me there because this woman’s daughter has an alcohol problem with possible psychosis. I gave a little insight but mostly I think she just wanted me to be there for her to listen.. although what I'd say, after all the drugs I've done.. it's deeper than that.. And I have to have faith that a lot of what people talk about, there's a deeper meaning to it that I can't talk about because of stigma and just the construct order of the way that culture is set up where I live.. But I know the order perfectly and can play the game.. But I don’t like this particular game because there’s so many rules.. I'd love to travel the world and see different cultures like how it's normal to talk about sadness etc in Portugal but also that's the place where all drugs are decriminalized... that brings my theory to something..
There's so much stigma about everything and what is being taught in schools is to not be offensive. My teacher said "Rape is natural for men" and it's also "Natural to terminate a baby" and that can be offensive to the man etc stuff like that. One man commented on that and said that we are taught that it’s wrong.. I roll my eyes.. Not that I have desire to rape but other people certainly do and I know that..
I just wonder how offensive things can be and that maybe I need friends that are somewhat racist because I fit into peoples nonsense because it's hard to find people that are funny where I can say things out of the ordinary...
I think I need friends that are like me in real life where I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind. I've never said what's on my mind. People always told me to shut up when I was a kid and before people thought I was hilarious.. it's different ways that things go and the cluster of colours in the world.. I can't take it... I can't become my own mind.. I think too much.
I want a better life. So I have to make choices. But I don't know because there's so many choices. Everyone faces this problem.
A teacher told me today that her children went to school without knowing what to study. One of them majored in psychology and is taking a break now because it's hard to find a job.
Careers so many.. Why do I type in English where I use German and French positions of words? When I do my anthropology assignments, my teacher said she highlighted which is hard to understand.. But I understand.. Does that mean I can't do academics because my research would be too complex or not complex enough? Opposite this opposite that.. The paradox is all we are.. male female, white black, up down, left right, cold hot, pink blue, yes no, atheism theism, wrong right, broken fixed, sad happy, gay straight, materialism spirituality, liberty oppression.. etc etc etc..
It's all the same bending curving to many answers or one question.. there's the complexity in things.. multiple perspectives... agree disagree, and of course, maybe.. "I don't know" because I "Haven't decided" which can be valid.. in between is the third one.. in religions there's a holy trinity, spirit, father, son..
People try to make sense of things and their mental illness but it's just confusion.. psychiatrists are confused.. medicate with drugs that do the opposite of each other.. Life and death.. the third is the afterlife.. the opposite of that is blackness.. no afterlife.. then it continues.. sleep then wake up.. go back to sleep again.. dream while asleep.. Dreams are nonsense.. but they teach you things out of that nonsense.. and that’s what life is.. chaos and order however you feel about it based on a certain situation..
OMG IM STIMMED AND BENZOED AGAIN AND IM GOING TO SMOKE CIGGIESSSSS
I find anthropology hard because it's based on learning concepts about people.. But I'm more about consciousness.. That's why I don't like talking about history that I already know of or world events in the news.. I want to know deeper than what regular people think.. not just arguing about measles shots. Like I don't consider myself to care about opposing opinions based on government propaganda.. especially the kavanaugh thing.... that took up all the news.. I cared 0% about that.. but everyone was so tuned in.. Brains of rats? Couch potatoes drinking beer and talking about how they hate other races and have to come together in a group to feel comfort and liberty?
That seems really creepy to me.. It's like I'm not tuned into the fake reality.. I said that heroin injection sites are good but that's about it..
I want to take philosophy instead and just talk and talk for a never ending curving around and into the meaningful things that people don't realize... vegetating on news media.. free will doesn't exist for most of the population.. they are controlled and brainwashed and it seems like just a play, a set where they have a certain list of things they need to do in life.. but what is life? Plants, animals.. but life as I mean that "I have no life". Well you're alive right? Make the connections of what is it of why you exist.. shut off for years then have a relationship crisis and go "Omg this is so terrible" But what really is terrible? It wouldn't have been terrible if you we're so plugged into societies expectations of what you should do and the products that you are advertised to consume.. the brainwashing of that is known.. but peoples double perceptions and go along with what ever is fun.. fun or saving money? Living simple because I know what depression is.. but it's a depression for a reason... because I knew about the system.. what's the point? We all know the 1% are at the top so I'm an anarchist, except i don't care to do anything just like how someone is overweight but doesn't care to do anything about it. It's not being content.
What I want is complete content in ratio to the small problems that I can overcome for my own self to push forward.
But what I'm really trying to say is that I need to have faith in what I'm thinking and saying. I see myself as too young to know anything. And most adults are older than me so they have experience. But experience with what? Don't I have things to say that can resonate with someone? Do older people really know more than me? Am I an old soul or awakened?
I was talking to a woman in the hot tub with my mom today and my mom wanted me there because this woman’s daughter has an alcohol problem with possible psychosis. I gave a little insight but mostly I think she just wanted me to be there for her to listen.. although what I'd say, after all the drugs I've done.. it's deeper than that.. And I have to have faith that a lot of what people talk about, there's a deeper meaning to it that I can't talk about because of stigma and just the construct order of the way that culture is set up where I live.. But I know the order perfectly and can play the game.. But I don’t like this particular game because there’s so many rules.. I'd love to travel the world and see different cultures like how it's normal to talk about sadness etc in Portugal but also that's the place where all drugs are decriminalized... that brings my theory to something..
There's so much stigma about everything and what is being taught in schools is to not be offensive. My teacher said "Rape is natural for men" and it's also "Natural to terminate a baby" and that can be offensive to the man etc stuff like that. One man commented on that and said that we are taught that it’s wrong.. I roll my eyes.. Not that I have desire to rape but other people certainly do and I know that..
I just wonder how offensive things can be and that maybe I need friends that are somewhat racist because I fit into peoples nonsense because it's hard to find people that are funny where I can say things out of the ordinary...
I think I need friends that are like me in real life where I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind. I've never said what's on my mind. People always told me to shut up when I was a kid and before people thought I was hilarious.. it's different ways that things go and the cluster of colours in the world.. I can't take it... I can't become my own mind.. I think too much.
I want a better life. So I have to make choices. But I don't know because there's so many choices. Everyone faces this problem.
A teacher told me today that her children went to school without knowing what to study. One of them majored in psychology and is taking a break now because it's hard to find a job.
Careers so many.. Why do I type in English where I use German and French positions of words? When I do my anthropology assignments, my teacher said she highlighted which is hard to understand.. But I understand.. Does that mean I can't do academics because my research would be too complex or not complex enough? Opposite this opposite that.. The paradox is all we are.. male female, white black, up down, left right, cold hot, pink blue, yes no, atheism theism, wrong right, broken fixed, sad happy, gay straight, materialism spirituality, liberty oppression.. etc etc etc..
It's all the same bending curving to many answers or one question.. there's the complexity in things.. multiple perspectives... agree disagree, and of course, maybe.. "I don't know" because I "Haven't decided" which can be valid.. in between is the third one.. in religions there's a holy trinity, spirit, father, son..
People try to make sense of things and their mental illness but it's just confusion.. psychiatrists are confused.. medicate with drugs that do the opposite of each other.. Life and death.. the third is the afterlife.. the opposite of that is blackness.. no afterlife.. then it continues.. sleep then wake up.. go back to sleep again.. dream while asleep.. Dreams are nonsense.. but they teach you things out of that nonsense.. and that’s what life is.. chaos and order however you feel about it based on a certain situation..
OMG IM STIMMED AND BENZOED AGAIN AND IM GOING TO SMOKE CIGGIESSSSS